The world is full with surprises and this interview with Nicole is definitely one of those rare things that could happen to a reader that has connected to the book and most importantly to the author that has written it. Please enjoy the interview bellow:
Here are the questions I have prepared for the interview please feel free to answer to the ones you’d like only.
First of hello Nicole, thank you so much for joining me and a huge thank you for bringing to life such a great memoir that we all could learn from!
1.Could you tell us what was the main reason that pushed you to write Addictarium?
Of course,! First, thank you for the opportunity to provide this interview to the readers, and thank YOU for grasping the core of Addictarium. Readers/reviewers like you Lin, are HONESTLY why I write in the first place.
Specifically, what pushed me to write Addictarium, I believe, was the intentions to sort of get a message across to the newer generations, whom seem very lost and displaced much of the time; that no, you don’t have to self-destruct! We are living in narcissistic times, but that doesn’t mean you can’t pull something beautiful from yourself. So, I think I wanted to touch on that.
I also think there are usually two different types of people who write memoirs. Type A would be the “autobiographer”—someone who has an amazing story to share, and pens a biographical book, and then type B would be the writer trying to attempt something genius in writing through personal experience—I found though, that I was/I am that rare blend of both. I didn’t just sit down and write a drug recovery memoir, I’ve been writing my whole life. I always knew I’d be an artist. But, the true piece of art came with Addictarium. I wrote a lot of poetry before that point in time, but I didn’t quite yet have my story. I knew it would come, and when I was in Daytop Village, there it was spread out before me.
I wanted to write to make the pages BREATHE, SCREAM, BLEED… being there and going through all of that, well it allowed that to happen, so I am grateful for all of it.
2. Without giving too much away, what were the most difficult and most enjoyable parts for you to write about?
The absolute hardest was writing about the interaction between “Danielle & Angel.” It was so private, and personal, and special. I kept thinking, how do I share this story without damaging it? I didn’t want people to either translate it to:
a.) Older man seduces fragile, vulnerable, young recovering addict OR—
b.) Sexy, young ingénue seduces older, married man whom is bored with his life and needs excitism.
Perhaps in some way both of those things happened, but neither of us was the evil manipulator. We had and have genuine love for one another! So, it was a question for me of how to put that out there, without tainting our quite tainted—but beautiful—love. “Angel & Danielle” were broken, and beautiful, and flawed, and insane, and intense. But, you couldn’t help but fall a little in love with them, no? They were genuinely kind, good people at heart. They’d been beaten down by life though, and when they found each other, somehow all that insanity allowed them both to start healing each other, and therefore themselves.
In regards to my favorite part, I enjoyed writing about the night on acid, because it was absurd. Laughable in retrospect—but terrifying. I liked writing a lot of the scenes with Danielle’s friends in the first part, they were so wild and unhinged! True histrionics.
3. You touch topics on a deep level, could you tell us more about your death obsession and how it began?
Well, my obsession with death started off sub-and-unconsciously of course, as is always the case. Yet by 18, it was somehow brought to the surface. I became very neurotic, and had the onset of mental illness. It was then that of course, like with all neurotic disordered persons—I became fixated with control, death and suicide. Because these elements; death, time, control, neurosis, ETC—intersect, I think my obsession just grew and grew into something conscious and very very profound at the time. Then, came the obsession(s) with relationships, control, then, ideal love, and everything else that follows. It was just a long ride into a very deep pitted darkened abyss of self-destructive neuroticism. I didn’t cut though because of my obsession with suicide—that’s what nobody grasps. I cut to stop the neurosis, to focus on something external to match the internal, not to die. I never cut deep enough to die, and didn’t try to.
I imagined a suicide far more passive, surprisingly. A long, slow ride on the night train due to too much heroin, or something like that. So, while all of it sort of meshed together, the death obsession, suicide lust, and cutting also had their own definitions for me, and I was fixated on each in its own way. Separately, and sometimes collectively.
4. Is there any part/chapter of the book that you would write differently?
No. I spent too many years fixating on the idea of perfection and there is of course, no such thing.
5. Is there any piece of advice you would give to people that are struggling with addiction?
Yes, my advice is to be ready to FIGHT when you’re ready to FIGHT it. This is just something I created for myself; a little mantra of mine, but perhaps it can assist:
ü Find a program that works for you
ü Indulge in things you are passionate about.
ü Never stop “recovering” over a “lapse”
ü Engage in creative outlets
6. Describe yourself with 3 words.
Intense, creative and eccentric.
7. If you had the chance to time travel in what time period would you go back to and why?
I always have difficulty with this idea, there are so many avenues to explore! Well, one thing is for sure; I would love to travel back to the time when literature was valued, and a very important asset to the intellectual—and then some. I would love to have been involved in the beats movement—it’s origins were actually from the French & Italian bohemian artists. I want to know what it’s like to live in the world of say Henry Miller, whom was living the most literal version of the bohemian artist’s sometimes squalid, very chaotic, but interestingly inspiring, life. So, yes, if I could join the writers of the 30’s, back when literature actually mattered, I would.
8. Any favourite quotes/passages from the book you want to share?
“There were days when the saturation of death, and the realities of life, became too great. Days where I felt suffocated, heavy. I’d try to gasp for a breath, and I’d fail. Yet, just in the nick of time, I would somehow, once again, be resuscitated. The world grew dark, cold. A black cloud looming over everything that I saw. People evolved into monsters–caricatures, and EVERYTHING was frightening, everybody was a predator!
The world transformed, and I would choke. Plumes of dust representing reality, as they sought an exit from my mouth, as I wheezed, and I gasped. Reality was choking me, saturating me with its heaviness.
Control? None whatsoever. Not over things, not over people. No, that was Life’s illusion; control was the magic trick. The lack of control, I was truly speaking of, was the inevitable–death. The one thing that tied into everything, everyone. Every neurotic thought, every impulse.
It was Death. The Random Act.”
“Stockholm Syndrome. […] It was a sort of desperate blind love. And loyalty. Loyalty and love geared towards the abuser. It’s a response to fear, an admission within of defeat, I’d read. But I thought it to be more than that. It was the thrill of having something to submit to, become utterly powerless to. A sinister sort of seduction. You knew in your heart it would end badly, yet you just couldn’t stop yourself from giving [B.K1] in to that primal urge, the way prey finally accepts its fate, take me, it says, as the [B.K2] predator sinks its teeth in.”
“Because life–to be alive, existence—was power in itself, and death (not sodomy) was the ultimate submissive act. Everything else was just revolving around life and death. That was why people became obsessed with power, control, let fear drive them. Fear of the unknown, and ultimately of death, were the things that life revolved around. It was sort of ironic, life revolving around death, and vice versa. Like, with everything else, with one came the inevitable blossoming of its opposite.”
“Part of me hated technology, because to me technology was a mother fucker that was eating this world alive. It was all part of the machine, the deadening of the human spirit, and I wouldn’t allow it. I had to see the world for what it was, drain it of all its illusion, because what lingered beneath? The wild, untamed beast, and in the end it would eat us all. That was something nobody could stop, not with any amount of money, or material things. Nothing that was part of physical reality could prevent death. So, to me, people were absurd, robotic, already dead. Buying fancy cars, big homes, the latest electronics, and all for what? The excuse was convenience. I need this. It makes things easier. Yet, while comfort may have been at the surface, the real thirst for these things, for material possessions, was to feel in control, and to feel part of.”
“I couldn’t bear the thought of what drugs could do. I wanted to cry, I felt the anguish, the pain, of all that was alive and suffering right then! How this world was dying, all of us, this lost generation. The Lost Children, The Lost Children, an echo drilled so penetratingly, so pervasively, in my head. I sucked in a breath, and now? I was choking.”
9. I love your taste in music!! Any songs/bands you would recommend to us?
I actually have a playlist for Addictarium. You can check it out on www.youtube.com/authornicoledsettemi – Addictarium – official unofficial soundtrack playlist! My favorite songs that go in sync with the novel especially, are all in there!
10. Is/are there any upcoming projects/events you would like to share with us?
The events revolving around #addictarium can be found @ addictarium.wix.com/home. A list of blog tour dates, radio talk show dates, and more are all available there.
As for projects, I am penning the next fictional memoir of mine, “Narssitopia,” as we speak! Very excited about it, as it is totally different from the first book, with its plot twists and turns.
Once again thank you sooo much!! I am looking forward to hearing from you!
I personally cannot wait for the upcoming Narssitopia! Thank you Nicole once again it was a huge pleasure!